Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Study of Heartbreak

Imagine you just broke up with your girl.  Imagine you still love her.  Imagine the pain.  (If you are a girl, imagine also that you're a guy.)  

Then, listen to the song below…

That’s to set the mood for this post.   After that, join me after the jump.

Heartbreak is such a fascinating emotion.  Yes, it’s a hatefully painful and nasty experience, but there’s something intriguingly unique about the emotion that it is worth analyzing.  Let me use my own experience with it as case study.

No, I am not heartbroken, thank you.  In fact, I am very much happy these days (*cough* *cough* in love *cough* *cough*).  But I did get heartbroken before, a long long time ago… when my high school sweetheart and I broke up.  That was my first – and, thankfully, only (so far) – of such kind of pain.  Prior to that, my “heartbreaks” were limited to seeing my beloved Los Angeles Lakers lose.  When I finally got to experience what heartbreak was all about, figurative terms like “soul-crushing” became reality to me.

Also, the term “life being drained out of me by Dementors.”

Confusion.  Disappointment.  Frustration.  Loneliness.  They all came in their respective forms that are unique only when heartbreak happens.  I felt… kind of betrayed (note: it was not because I was betrayed or something… but the feeling was as of that of being betrayed).  It felt like a part of my heart has been ripped out of my chest, creating a void that was sucking me into emptiness.

Another figurative term I understood was “black hole” allusions.

During that moment when heartbreak hit, I became pale.  My palms went cold.  My mouth dried.  My eyes went red, tears were starting to well (but, surprisingly, I had never cried during those days.  My personality seems to not allow it.  It’s either a good or bad thing.  I will never know).  A bitter taste was on my tongue.  My knees shook, nearly making it hard for me to walk.  I became dizzy… no… more than that… I felt nausea… I was really near to vomiting.    I never really expected for such emotion to actually manifest physically. 

No.  I am not doing my hyperbolic humor.  That’s what I really felt back then. 

But that was only for a short time.  One night sleep later, defense mechanisms and emotional equilibrium disciplines kicked in.  Recovery process started.  Started to lick the wounds.  The pain and melancholy still lingered for some time but it was manageable.  Generally, my personality is such a happy person, that though one aspect of it is hurting, it only starts to hurt when I permitted it (or I lost control of my equilibrium).  I did not allow myself to be ruined just like that.  I said to myself, “Probably, you are going to experience more heartbreaks of life after this.  This is probably still simple compared to those.  If you fold now, then it means you won’t be able to handle the incoming bigger heartbreaks that life will throw at you.”  That got me going.

And “at least, what I have now is a broken heart, and not a broken neck.”

I also retreated to my interests and hobbies to help me heal.  I wrote a lot back then (I always say that writing is good therapy).  I have always loved to read but that was the point that my reading (and book purchases) doubled (or tripled).  And there was music… ah, there is nothing much sweeter heartbreak medicine than music. I am not saying it is the most effective, but it is the sweetest.  In fact, artists – including musicians, of course – were able to make some of their great works because of heartbreak.  Heartbreak fuels creativity.  

Heartbreak also fuels insanity.

Heartbreak songs became more beautiful and meaningful.  They help you feel better, or they help you articulate what you feel at the moment so that you can release them, which would also, ultimately, help you feel better in the end.  

There are many kinds, and you can choose from a wide range of heartbreak music that depends on your needs.

You can go sentimentally “cute” about it.       

You can hype yourself by choosing the upbeat route.

Or you can “savor” the bittersweetness of it all.

In the end, wounds would heal.   They have to.  You need to survive.  Heartbreaks are a part of life and love.  Yes, I have recovered and functioned on.  Thank God for it.  But as much as possible, I don’t want to experience such emotion again.  Totally sucked.  Totally hurt.

These days, after a couple of years, I am in love again… and just the third time in my life, but it’s, so far, the most special.  An awesome girl made it possible.  Yes, I initially fought it when I felt it, like I always did, but it was just too strong.  I have to accept the fact that I have fallen for her.  And I allowed myself to let my defenses down.  Now, I am again most vulnerable.  Which makes heartbreak a possibility.  Yes, I hate to experience heartbreak again, but I have to risk it.  I just have to.  This She is just so awesome that it is worth the risk.

Completely unrelated.   Just added this vid so that the badassery will offset the sentimental cheesiness of this post. 

When not analyzing emotion in the "Experimental Theatre", Bernel is analyzing emotion in "The Bernel Zone".

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